Every day the Same nightmare
by JTheClivaz
Summary: Set in ME, fleshing out events on Akuze. ongoing, F!Shep/Ashley slash later. please review, first FF ever. Rated M for swearing  Jack's level, but not Jack.
1. Every Day The Same Nightmare

**Every Day the Same Nightmare.**

**A/N:** First **ever** Fan-fic, so please review. I don't personally think I can do horror. I really don't think I nailed this at all. So please review with more than '_Hurr Durr that was rubbish!'_ Possible Femslash later so leave well alone if that's not your thing.

Standard disclaimer etc. Warning: Every Day The Same Nightmare by Jonathan Clivaz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Edit: re-post.

Selene has not answered my prayers. I did not think she would. Very well.

I recorded my dreams this night. I recorded them so that when I woke up in sweat-soaked sheets and a heart of darkness and endless fear, I could find out what haunts me so, should I wish too.

I've been too scared to listen to them before now.

I've sat here for an hour waiting for the terror to subside. It hasn't. Maybe it never will. Maybe I'll be like this forever.

But what I heard rocked me to my core and unlocked memories I had no wish to remember.

_Akuze_: Blood-stained, deadly Akuze. I dream of you still. You stalk my dreams like you once stalked me, in the waking world.

Akuze haunts me still.

This is what I heard, muttered from my sleeping self to my waking one:

"_Alright, listen up" My voice, younger. "I'm your commanding Officer on this mission. If you have a problem with We go in, find out what the hell happened. If there are survivors, team one will help the survivors, and bring that, moan about it to someone else, it wasn't my choice, and it won't be your choice about whether it stays that way. Then back to the command post that command squad will have set up in the town hall. Team two guard the survivors if they turn up, but you're on the sweep until then. Teams three through five continue the sweep. If there are no survivors, keep your bloody guard up and keep looking for survivors, or a damn good reason why there aren't any. I'm not sending a massive 'I have no idea what the hell happened to them' back to the Alliance Brass. We're finding survivors, answers, or both. Now get to your teams!" Then I bowed my head and prayed to Nike, Goddess of victory, Artemis, Goddess of the hunt and Athena, Goddess of War, Wisdom and Crafts. I prayed that they would all lend me their strength._

_The voice was undeniably mine, but it had an edge of something long since lost. It can only be heard with the benefit of hindsight: Innocence .It would have seemed madness if someone had told me back then that I had a single scrap of innocence left in me, I would have laughed, told then they had shell-shock. But I did. Oh How I did._

_I thought I had lost it a long time before. I lived around soldiers as a child, and I saw them come back from wherever the hell they were fighting with scar, cuts, bruises, broken bones and blackened hearts. I thought, as I surveyed my team leaders, on the cusp of my first military command, I thought I had lost my innocence a long time ago._

_Shows what I know_

_There is a curious sound, like the rewinding of an old tape, like the ones in museums. Yet the sound sounds reversed._

_My over-ached brain takes a while to recognise that this means a jump forward in time. I appear to have invented my own language to communicate with my wakeful self._

_A sudden resume in sound snaps my attention back._

_The Familiar sound of a UT-47, somehow made by my sleeping mouth, plus hearing my speech, was enough to unlock my sealed memories, and gave some context to what I was hearing. In the Combat Cockroaches, all straining our necks to get our first proper look at the colony that had drawn us here. There was nothing. No light, no sound, no radio transmissions, not even automated distress beacons. It was like the night itself had risen to claim Akuze._

_Then suddenly, the Thresher Maws struck: A blip on the sensors, a tiny pinprick of heat that our sensors showed to be below the ground. I blinked, and before I asked the pilot for confirmation, the pinprick swelled into a thimble, a football, before it broke the surface._

_Right under our shuttle._

_Before I could call for evasive manoeuvres a ball of bio-acid chewed through our shields and the mass effect drive. And then I was falling, falling, watching the same thing happen to the other teams. They were all higher up than the command squad, as I'd I made the choice to go down first. I led from the front, not from behind a desk._

_And then I looked down. I saw the ground rushing towards me, and the high G contorted my vision, making it look like there were Thresher Maws. I saw the crushing inevitably of my own death. no no no no no no no no no no no no no. I kept on saying , watching my death scream towards me. All that training and genetic enhanchment, the tougher skin and the improved reflexes, all useless against the laws of physics. Do I have a Goddess of science? If I did, Now would be a good time to curse her, and the instruments that she gave me have cursed me. And then I remembered, pulling her name from the bowels of my memory: Muses, with my dying breath I denounce you to the goddesses of Olympus. Hecate, receive my sou- ARRRAAAGGGGHHHH!_

_I was lucky to have got down alive. The fall still destroyed the shields of my N7 armour completely and almost drained my armour of medi-gel. It still had enough to apply in small doses, so I could still heal minor cut, bruises etc. But for anything major, it required my permission to dish it out, so if I was knocked unconscious, I was out. And to be out now would be fatal._

_The pain was still excruciating. I tried moving and instantly regretted it. Every bone in my body felt broken, every blood vessel burst, every nerve shredded, every joint dislocated. To top it off I had come in through a skylight and the medi-gel being administered to my cheeks was sealing the piece of glass embedded in my cheeks in there forever. I yanked off my helmet and tugged the glass out. It was then I noticed that glass was protruding out of my armour in a dozen different places. I panicked. _

_When I was twelve a soldier had been brought into the med-bay on the ship my Mother and father served on. He looked like me, glass protruding from his armour at every angle, thee medi-gel having sealed the glass into him .The Operation to remove the glass lasted eighteen hours, and, for reasons I will never know, he screamed throughout the entirety of it. He was under anaesthetic. He was in agony for the rest of his life. He committed suicide a week after the operation. Snuck out of the med-bay, jumped into the nearest escape pod, launched it and vented the atmosphere. They found him smiling, and they concluded death was the only release he found _what release have you found? My body screams at me. I had named the voice SIAT (**S**tress **I**nduced **A**ngsty **T**houghts) a long time ago. It ruined my thought patterns and made it hard to think. It was partly why I had my memories locked up.

_I frantically ripped out the glass. As I ripped out the largest, last sliver, the pain, slowly overcoming the adrenaline and medi-gel, becomes unbearable. I only remained conscious because I was repeating 'Out now, out forever' over and over like a mantra._

_Slowly, I realised that my eyesight had recovered. As the sedative from the medi-gel wore off I realised that the blurriness I had been seeing around the edge of my vision had receded, and, too my luck, my now functioning peripheral vision had spotted the red rectangular shape of a med-kit. Damning the consequences, I dragged myself over to it and transferred it to my suit dispenser. It was then my body felt the consequences, and I was out of it._

_Luckily, not forever. The Medi-gel I added to my suit made it cross a magic threshold. I had enough for it to act automatically should I fall unconscious. Which I did collecting the medi-gel. _

_When I woke up, scant minutes after, I felt better physically. I began to collect myself. I scanned for my weapons. I picked them up, but I could tell they were useless. The heat-sinks were destroyed, rendering them beyond use. I tried my precious Omni-tool, but, like my shields, decided to splutter and die as soon as I tried it. I still had my combat knife and a lonesome grenade._

_When I took stock, I wish I hadn't. I had a grenade, a combat knife, a broken set of N7 armour, and some medi-gel: Against thresher Maws. Standard protocol for thresher was engage with __**vehicle mounted heavy weapons. **__Vehicle? No. Heavy weapons? No. Weapons? Not really._

_I cursed Ananke for my bad luck, and wondered if my goddesses had forsaken me._

_I was suddenly hit by waves of despair, and would have sunk to the ground if I wasn't already on it._

_My State of despair was rudely interrupted by the thresher maws. As I was on the ground, I could feel the vibrations that betrayed their approach. Spurred into action, I jumped up and, ignoring the vocal protests of my still groaning body, I ran. I turned to the stairs. TOO SLOW, sighing, I ran to the window and jumped. It was only one floor down, so what was the probl- !_

_Any other day I'd have been fine, I'd have landed fine, ignored it. But today it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I almost passed out again but the vibrations of the Thresher maws. With a rising sense of Panic It seemed like the vibrations came from beneath my feet._

_Fuck, there's a thresher maw right below me… MOVE JULIANNA, MOVE!_

_I frantically roll over. A Thresher Maw Bursts up beside me._

_I scramble up and run._

_It fires._

_NO TIME TO DODGE JUST RUN IT CAN'T HIT- You._

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!_

_It hit me! It hit me! IT HIT ME AND THE ACID BURNING THROUGH THE BACK OF MY CHEST PLATE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT SHIT FUCK DIE!_

_Wait… maybe there is._

_Tearing open a panel on my armour, I activate my emergency armour ejection system (EAES). Designed to help medics access large wounds with armour in the way, it allows the user to jettison any piece of armour the user is wearing. It's completely analogue, and so completely unhackable. Finally, as the first drops of acid reach my skin, I find what I'm looking for. JETTSION! JETTISON! JETTISON NOW YOU MALFUNCTIONING PIE- FINALLY… FUCK MY BACK IS COLD DAMNIT THE REST OF MY CHEST PLATE HAS FALLEN OFF!_

_I must have made quite a sight, running in panic wearing armour on the legs and arms but not the torso. But while the acid burnt I reminded myself it could have been a lot worse. The gurgle of the acid eating away at my back armour an attest to that._

_Remember, this was all done while running in panic._

_As I ran I crunched a few facts about the 'Maws. They see heat, can move underground, spits bio-acid, (as they already proved), always go for the largest concentration of prey…_

_I… FUCK! FUCK DAMN SHIT FUCK BUGGER FRAK HECATE CURSE THESE CREATURES TO ETERNAL DAMNATION IN THE FIRES OF THE UNDERWORLD!_

_Perhaps I was the only one left._

_As I drew up, gasping and panting for breath, finally noticing the vibrations has disappeared, I collapsed to the ground, partly from exhaustion, and partly so I could be more sensitive to the tell-tale vibrations of a Thresher maw approach. I then decided something: Find something to communicate with the support frigate. Tell them what happened, get the HELL out, and have the place flattened from Orbit._

_Not a good plan, but it was the best I had._

_It was pointless trying to locate Sargent Vasquez (The petite, red-haired women carrying the ground-team's long-Comm, and also my lover.)_And your only lover, ever, SIAT helpfully added._ So I resolved to find a building_

No one will love you ever again, ever _No that's not true, it can't be true, my mother loves me, _Only because it's an obligation, If she wasn't your mother what would happen? _I… GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

_with a radio transceiver. Failing that, if I found a store the sold short range comms I could knock something up, with Omni-Gel although it would be __**a lot **__harder without my Omni-tool._

_But I will survive. I Must._

_Pulling out my thankfully undamaged datapad, I brought up the Colony map. After a bit of searching I found what I was looking for: The main Comm array. I oriented myself, thanking the cruel goddess of Luck and Chance (Ananke, how I detest thee so!) my panic-stricken run had led me close to it._

_While this was going on, unknown to me, as I had got up off the floor to get my Data-pad, the Thresher Maws had been closing in. One to be exact, as the others didn't want to fight it over a single morsel of prey. As I did not have the same level of contact with the ground as I did before, I didn't detect it until it was far too late._

_It burst up beside me, making the ground shake the surrounding buildings collapse into little heaps of rubble. I had felt the vibrations and dived to the side, just in time. The reckless dive had the unfortunate side effect of colliding me with a piece of rubble in mid-air. I was knocked out for a few seconds only, but it was almost enough._

_I came to with the mouth of a thresher maw in my face preparing to shallow me whole. And it screeched. OH Mida, Goddess of Oaths and speech, what did it's race do to you to make you curse them with this? The sounds make me freeze up, like a daemon has Hijack my soul and _

It's infrasound, infrasound silly! Cries SIAT. _FUCK OFF SIAT IF I WANT TO MAKE THIS BEAST AN UNHOLY THING YOU CAN'T DAMN WELL STOP ME NOW SHUT THE HELL UP AND DIE!_

_mind. The stench made me pass out again, thinking I would never wake up._

_There was no flashing of my life before my_

You never had any life to speak of. _FUCK THE SHUT UP SIAT _

_eyes, no dramatic last words or acts of defiance. I think the shock had finally reached me. I knew no-one was left alive, not after this long with the 'maws. I just gave up._

_Then it hit me: If I didn't get a report back, tell the brass what had happened, I'll be sending even more soldiers to their deaths. That stirred the soldierly core in me, honed through military tradition, basic and N7 training. I Could NOT let that happen._

_With that, I opened my eyes again._

_I found myself on the thresher's tongue, staring at the roof of his mouth. Its saliva was slowly dissolving the back of my chest-plate._

_I thought over what I had: _

_Combat knife: not enough damage or range._

_Grenade, might work, but would never stick to the roof of its mouth._

_And that was it, aside from Medi-gel (yep, you could kill things with medi-gel) and some Omni-gel…_

_Suddenly, a desperate plan came into my head. It wasn't a very good one, but again, it was the best I had._

_Using all my Omni-gel, I attached the grenade to my combat knife, and then, praying for Athena to guide my hand and hold my contraption together, embedded the entire thing in the roof of its mouth. This was not going to happen without repercussions. And while I was heartened by the scream it gave off when I embedded the contraption, the resulting movement threw me down its throat. Luckily I had already armed the grenade, but then I cursed my luck, and Ananke, as I saw that the explosion had ignited the volatile gases Thresher maws carried in the bodies for some reason. I prayed to Hecate that I would meet her soon. At that point, I had nothing to live for. I thought my work was done, and that I could die in peace._

_Fat Chance._

_I woke up to the smell of acid and recently dissolved armour._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ._

_The acid had wormed its way into my pussy. It completely ravaged my ovaries and womb, ensuring I could never conceive. While it wasn't such a big loss in the long run (I was a lesbian anyway, and I had no plans for childbirth.)_

_IT_

_STILL_

_HURT_

_LIKE_

_HELL._

_HECATE, WHY AM I NOT WITH YOU YET? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?_

_Desperately treading acid, trying to avoid MORE burns in extremely unpleasant, I regarded my surroundings. My greaves were dissolving fast, and when they fully dissolved my legs would seize up from pain, and I would die. I noticed I was near the mucus wall of the stomach. Desperately, I swam while trying to keep as much of my body possible out of the acid. Eventually I made, as I climbed ever so slightly above the acid line, my greaves finally gave way, and fell. They were dissolved. They could have easily have been my legs (which I were damn proud of.)_

_Smelling eezo, I looked around, seeing the bobbing, lifeless body of Mona Vasquez. Tears welled up in my eyes. The eezo I smelt was the acid eating away at her shield generator. The Acid was making it malfunction, making it flicker on and off randomly on different sides. One of these flicks sent her into the wall next to me. _

_Amazingly, her Long-Comm flicked on. An increasly nervous voice was repeating a message_

'_Any ground units on Akuze respond immediately. I say again, any ground units respond!'_

_Freeing her hand from the wall, I grabbed the classic telephone shaped handle._

_Ah, fuck it, I couldn't care about call signs and code words any fucking less right now._

"_This is Shepard. Akuze overrun by thresher Maws. No survivors, currently casualties estimated at 98%. Extraction impossible at this time. Shepard out."_

_As I cut the connection, the 'maw's stomach stopped convulsing, and then everything was still. I figured that Hecate had finally claimed this thing's twisted parody of a soul for herself._

_Having strapped the Long-comm to my back after careful manoeuvring, (And for this I thank a quirk in Mona's character, as she had turned the Long-comm into a self-sufficient unit and attaching it to her back like a rucksack), I started my climb._

_I eventually reached the gullet of the thing, hanging upside down from the 'ceiling' of the thing. Swinging round as much as the mucus allowed, I built up enough momentum and swung into the gullet._

_I was presently surprised. Instead of the vertical passage I expected, the gullet was at a twenty degree angle. Luckily the thresher maw went on its side when it died. So I had killed it._

_After a ten minute walk, with the joints of my armour jamming up with acid, I reached the surface. There was nothing in my mind apart from the desire to leave this blasted place. I clambered onto the 'maw's skull, figuring that was the only place a 'maw couldn't burst out of it. I activated the Long-comm again._

"_This is Shepard. Extraction now possible at these coordinates. Shepard out."_

_And then the fatigue of the day finally wormed its way in, and I felt Selene take my soul to deep sleep._

_Then I remember waking up in a med-bay, half my body covered in bandages. For one instant I wondered why I was here, and then I remembered, remembered everything. All I did was wallow and cry silently for two weeks. The only person I felt I could cry around without fear of judgement our doubts. She was the only person I opened up too. And now she was dead. They were good at their jobs, about half were my friends, and one of them was my lover. I still feel their loss. They were the first soldiers I lost under my command, and I had 98% losses. The only survivor was me._

_Eventually a doctor came up to me:_

"_Shepard. While most of the damage you sustained, while major, is repairable, the acid has rendered you infertile."_

_I was no longer listening. All I could think about was Mona._

_They asked me to speak at her funeral. I refused, for I really was not in a fit state to talk much, let alone do public speaking. I loved her for reasons so personal, I only ever shared them with her. I could only ever share them with her. I had scars, even back then. I would never share, with anyone else._

_And so I vowed never to love again, never let anyone get this close for their death to hurt me this much. The old Shepard, the nice, friendly, loving Shepard, was dead. An empty, cold, scarred shell had risen into her place, never to be unseated. Vasquez was my first love. She will most likely be my last._

Oh Ananke, why do you despise me? Screw with my mind and kill my friends and lover, and leave me behind a broken wreck?

Old goddesses of Greece, the goddesses of Plato and Socrates, why did you abandon me?


	2. Angst and Anger

**Sleepless nightmare:**

After hearing the content of my nightmares, knowing I would now relive Akuze for the rest of my life, and sleep would elude me for tonight, I pulled on a black tank-top and sweat pants, and headed down to the firing range, swiping my rifle off the table where Williams had been cleaning the _entire ship's _small arms. It was as annoying as it was useful. The thought of her brought an involuntary prang of desire, which I quickly silenced: It was clear she had no interest in me. Don't get me wrong, Liara was perfectly sweet and innocent, but she didn't do it for me. There was something about ash… her militaristic thinking coupled with her love poetry, the fact she _always _had her hair in a bun. I always marvelled at how she could fit it in her helmet without damaging it. And the colour was just like Mona's…

_NO, stop thinking about that JUST STOP THINKING! GET DOWN TO THE FUCKING RANGE AND DESTROYED SOME TARGETS! YOU LET SOMEONE GET CLOSE AND LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT! YOU SWORE AN OATH! SO STOP THINKING AND SHOOT THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING!_

I finally walked into the firing range. I picked my target, sealed the door to stop it waking up the entire ship, sighted, and fired. Every shot hit. _I am far too good at this, _I thought _to sneak down and practice in the middle of the night._ I watched the target as I hit it, and as I watched it disintegrate under the steady stream of AR file, I kept on thinking what would have happened on Akuze _Stop thinking about Akuze_, if I had a gun like this. A lot fewer deaths I suspected. As the over-worked heat-sink finally gave up and over-heated, I threw the weapon down in disgust _Just like you threw down everyone whose tried to bed you since_ and leapt the wall.

I ran at the target, infuriated by the fact it did nothing, let alone retaliate. Right now, I felt like I needed to kill someone. I smashed into the target, head-butting it in a way Wrex would be proud of. As it fell to the ground I started beating it with my fists, wishing it was a human, Turian, Asari, Salarain, _Bata pretend it's a thresher maw, it killed your squad, and now you can have your revenge! Hit it! HIT IT! _rain, Volus, Elcor, Hanar, ANYTHING BUT AN INAMIATE OBJECT!

Eventually the target had been obliterated, the largest chunks no larger than a fist. In my rage, I looked around for something else to destroy. It was then I heard the cargo lift _ You first kissed Mona in a cargo lift, remember?_ come to a halt on this deck. I might as well see who it was.

I hastily jumped back over the wall, picked my rifle back up, locked the trigger and headed back to Ashl- _williams' _station _Stop thinking about her, just stop thinking at all!_ to replace my rifle. As I neared the lift it opened _You first kissed her their because of the risk of discovery, and it made it all the sweeter, remember, and on-one will ever compare, so stop thinking about it! JUST STOP HOW MANY TIMEDO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? _ saw who else it was.

Williams. She was dressed in the bottom half of her jumpsuit and an old vest which, from its length, was the only thing she wore in bed. Unfortunately, the mention of Williams and bed in the same five seconds brought another prang of desire, and imagined sensations of pleasure and ecstasy. _No, _I thought, _not imagined, borrowed. Your mind is stealing your thoughts, memories of Vasquez._

_No one will EVER compare. _ I told myself. _ That's not true, you don't know that! _My mind also told me. _Fuck! I thought. I'm getting more disturbed _the only time you didn't feel disturbed was with Mona! You told her things you never told the pyschs!_ by the day._

Withdrawing into myself, I brought out my shell, which was just like my armour: Faithful, personal, protective, abraded, damaged _That's how you first met her! Something was playing up with your comm so you talked to Mona about it, and she made you feel so welcome! _and scratched.

"Gunnery Chief Williams, would you mind telling me what you are doing down here in the middle of the night cycle?" I asked, hiding everything behind my tough exterior.

"I couldn't sleep, ma'am." She replied. "I'm too tense. Cleaning the rifles helps me relax. It's the only time I feel at peace."

"Funny that. The only time I ever feel at peace is when there's a gun in my hand and a living, breathing target in the sights…Or a Geth, if they don't qualify." I replied.

She looked slightly shocked, and paused slightly before replying. "Commander…" She gulped, as if gathering her courage. She probably was, I had injected an edge of the voice that made even the Geth run in fear.

"Commander… What the hell happened that made you like this?" She asked, her voice breaking slightly with fear.

"What makes you think that I wasn't always like this?" I snapped, introducing much more that an edge of my Geth fear voice.

"Commander… I had friends in the 404… Before Akuze… Back then, everyone loved you. You were respected. You had friends. What happened?"

"That was the problem!" My shell had finally taken a knock too many. As my body raged, I mentally checked my mask was still in play. It was, although dented. _Good, I can still salvage something_ "When they died, I cried for weeks. I just sat in the med-bay, tears rolling down my cheeks, hunched up in a ball, not reacting to anyone, anything. They've thought I was in a coma if I wasn't crying the whole time. I didn't drink, didn't eat. I would have died if I hadn't been put on an IV drip and force fed me. My _lover _was down _Remember her Shepard? The only lover had had that wasn't a one night stand, that wasn't a tool to be used and thrown anyway, but she didn't know that did she?_ there, Ashley. She died. And when time and tears had dulled the shock from shear agony, I vowed I would never love again; never let anyone get that close to me again, that their death would reduce me to a crumbling wreck. I loved her, Ash. I never told her, but I did. She died not _Why are you telling her this? Stop, Stop STOP!_ knowing. I'll never forgive myself for that, ever. For all I know she regarded it as a fling, a tryst, an unfeeling outlet for lust! Not the loving relationship I thought it was!"

_Oh, fuck_. "Part of not being close to anyone involved not telling anyone this, so congrats Ash, you made me break my rule. So fuck you."

As I said this, tears welled in my eyes. _Fuck._ Another part of my rule was to never let anyone see me cry, ever. To always wear the mask which was now so close to slipping.

I decided to brave the nightmare filled abyss of sleep, and bolted for my quarters. I forced myself not to break the mask in the painfully slow lift journey. I held my hands to my face, as the bands keeping the mask on had finally snapped from long use, and I could not let anyone see _me._ Ever. Only Mona was allowed that. I will meet her again in death, whenever that is.

As the lift finally opened, I sprinted the short distance to my quarters, sealing the door behind me. I fell into bed, and I soon fell into the demonic embrace of sleep. I had prayed to Selene, goddess of the moon and dreams not visit me this night. She had not listened before, and I doubt she will listen again.


	3. Unauthorized entry

A/N: Thanks to the guy who added this to his subscription list!

**Unauthorised entry**

I had finally managed to fall asleep for the _second time _that night

_Or was it that morning? You hardly knew the time at any rate._ FUCK OFF SIAT!

when the annoying chime of someone pressing on a door console that had been locked sounded, Several time. I shoved one of my pillows over my head and gave a muffled _'fuck off'._

'_Fuck off?' Is that the best you can do? You used to have the mouth of a sailor! _Yeah, like there are any sailors left that actually sail seas. I shot back.

_It's a figure of speech, dimwit!_

Never thought my _internal voice_ would accuse me of pedantry.

_And why can't your internal voice accuse you of pedantry?_

Fuck off and go away!

_I'll Be Back!_

Stop making obscure twentieth century film references!

After that internal monologue

_I think it was a dialogue, actual- _FUCK OFF!

The door opened. I stared at it for a while, wondering how the hell that happened. GODDAMNIT I HAD WRITTEN THE CODES MYSELF!

And then As- _Gunnery Chief Williams _walked in.

"Gunnery Chief Williams, would you mind telling how _the hell_ you got in here?"

"Well ma'am I got the Quarian, Vakarian and Alenko up and asked them to crack it. They've been here over an hour. They couldn't do it, so…"

"Wait… faint smell of eezo, smoke, slight burning smell as well… You shot my entry console?"

"Err… Yes Ma'am."

"With What?"

"Wrex's shotgun"

"The Spectre master gear model?"

"Yes Ma'am"

"The one that he modified so the recoil would break a human arm if fired?"

"Yes Ma'am"

"How the hell did you fire it then?"

"I didn't Ma'am."

"So Wrex fired it?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"But before that you asked Garrus and Tali to help you crack my door?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Well then chief, I believe congratulations are in order. You managed to overcome you mistrust of aliens and have now proved to me your skills as a team player. The rest of you dismissed." I waited until they had left.

"_Now what the hell did you want?"_

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the person who subscribed. You made me write this.

REVIEW OR BE DAMNED TO THE EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL!


	4. Mona

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and subscribes!

"Ma'am, I err…"

"God damn it Williams, if you're going to take the liberty of hacking into and then shot-gunning my entry console and I haven't killed you _yet _I think you can take the liberty of taking a seat."

"Yes Ma'am"

"And stop calling me Ma'am it's annoying."

"Yes Commander"

"Even more so"

"Shepard?"

"There we go."

"Shepard… What the hell was that about?"

"Akuze"

"Going into any more detail, Skipper?"

"Skipper? And No."

"Why?"

"Too many memories. Too much pain, suffering. Too much everything."

At the mention of 'pain, suffering', I winced as it all came back to me for an instant: The Glass, the fall, the Acid, The Screams. In self-defence my biotics flared up and threw Ashley _(fuck you SIAT, I'm calling her what I want now)_, and basically everything not welded down across the room, away from me, including my chair, so 'too much everything' was said on the floor, surprised at the size of my outburst.

"Shit, Ash are you alright?" I asked, with real care in my voice, not the 'fake but it sounds real' voice I used whenever talking to the crew or ground team about their problems. Normally I couldn't give a crap but they didn't need to know that.

"I'm fine skipper" she replied, picking up her chair and trying not to wince, something I recognised instantly: Normally so I could hit them again in that area, but this wasn't a fight, yet.

"Chief, you're not, I can tell."

"You'll have to do more than that to kill me, I'm afraid."

"Whoever said I was trying to kill you?"

"The biotics flaring up and throwing me across the room?"

"Damn you chief"

"Many have tried, none have succeeded."

"I'm fairly sure you were here for something else chief."

"But the biotic flare is something to do with it, no?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Which is why you _need_ to talk about it."

"I'm _Fine!"_ I raged.

"No, Julianna, you're not. You just crushed a coffee cup with your mind without even knowing about it," she said, pointing. I glanced around, and there it was: A perfect cube of ceramic with a handle sticking out of it.

"I… Shit… Here, play it," I said, chucking a data recorder at her.

"What I said during my dream about Akuze." It doesn't have the entire story, but when it's played; my mind will helpfully fill in the blanks, and I'll relive it all. I'll do my best to describe it all to you.

Tentatively, she pressed the play button, and I lied back on my bed, waiting for the terror and the pain.

"_Alright, Listen up," My voice, younger._

_And so it begins._

I described it to her as best I could, but I think that was most of what she got was incoherent screams of terror and pain. To be fair, that's mostly what it was.

When I snapped out of my memory, as suddenly as a Drell, I noticed a warm comforting presence, one that I had not felt in such a long time: the simple comfort of a hug. For once I no longer cared about my mask. I simply hugged her back and cried. It felt… I am not sure what it felt. The fact it felt at all was something of a surprise. I had not allowed myself the pleasure of emotions in such a long time, Since Akuze.

As the spams and biotic flaring ended, it felt somehow muted, not as powerful as before. I realised that the simple presence of Ashley had calmed me somehow.

Then Ashley spoke.

"I'm… sorry Julianna. I'm so sorry."

She hugged me tighter, and I hugged back. There was nothing I wanted to do more than hold her, feel her warmth, because when I could feel it, I was no longer alone in this cruel, cold galaxy.

"Shepard… Julianna… Tell me about Mona."

"Alright… Mona and I went through Basic, H.E.A.T and N7 together. We were always side by side, handling whatever was thrown at us. Before our old commander brought the farm, I was second in command, she was third. She always carried the Team's Long-Comm. This was still in the days when we needed one, before they figured out how to use the suit as an antenna.

Anyway, we had a bond, the type only soldiers could have. We trusted each other with our lives. I always knew she was watching my back, and she knew I was watching hers. It was mutual, unspoken.

We first started having a relationship right after N7 Graduation. We both passed the final test in record time, with flying colours, but god-damn we were wounded while doing it. We were confined to the care of doctors for two weeks. It would have been longer but we were both Biotics and they plugged in special amplifiers that accelerated healing at the cost of vastly reduced biotic power. I still wear it when I sleep to reduce the severity of uncontrolled flare-ups

After then we were on a month medical leave and I had no money but she had a small apartment and I asked if I could crash there. She said yes and really that was when it started. During that month we went out together and we started dating then, but we didn't see it like that.

We first had sex about a week before we landed on Akuze. By then I had opened up, taken off my mask. I had scars before Akuze. Growing up around soldiers does that to you, but nothing on the scale of Akuze. But still. I knew she loved me by this point. It was in the way she spoke, the way she acted when we were alone. I loved her back, but my body wasn't showing it. Even back then I had trouble with emotions. My body wasn't capable of showing them.

And then, Akuze, There she died, not knowing I loved her. In fact, she was the first person I ever loved. The other people I had slept with was just for the pleasure.

After Akuze, her death tore me up so badly, I didn't stop crying for weeks. The Brass figured out eventually, but they wanted me back in the field so they didn't write me up. They knew that is they did I would quit. But afterwards, I looked back and felt… only anger. Anger at my weakness, how tore up I was, how my reaction had let the Brass on to us, how my feelings had overcome my logic.

So, I swore an Oath: To Diana."

"Diana?"

"Greek Goddess of the Hunt. She also Scorned Love with all the heart. I swore an oath to Diana to never Love or make love again."

"To be honest Julianna, that doesn't sound like the sort of thing a soldier would do. Celibacy and Soldiers do not mix."

"I know. Got a poetry quote to cover it"

"Don't think so."

"Thought so"

"Julianna… You've said a lot about your relationship with Mona and Mona Herself but you haven't described how she looks. Could you..?"

"She had this wonderful shoulder length, silky hair. Same colour as yours actually. She had this tattoo of the DNA helix made out of Car parts. She ran with a gang on Earth, the Sweethearts, a street racing gang in the Big Pig. She was their main mechanic before she signed up to get out of the gang. She was a sentinel like me. We learned complimentary skills. We had great synergy.

Oh yeah, about that apartment I mentioned? It came under attack a few times from the Sweethearts. They wanted their mechanic back.

They Attacked Three Times. The first they took us by surprise but we fought them off with our biotics.

The Second we had our pistols on us so that ended pretty quickly.

The third time we knew they were coming, so we met them in full armour and with assault rifles. They took one look at the 'N7' on our armour and Ran."

"They knew what it meant?"

"N7's had been deployed to take out heavily entrenched terrorists when CO19 and the regular army failed. They knew enough. They left us alone after that. They also gave us a wide berth after that."

"Losing her must have been hard for you."

"You have no idea chief. She meant the galaxy to me. I still wear the leather straps from Her Long-Comm under my Armour: Reminds me of her. It's the only thing I have left of her."

"Can I ask, my by the way… the flare-ups?"

"Started after Akuze. I get stressed, angry, scared, if I'm hurt or if the odds seem hopelessly stacked against me… It just happens. My biotics just… work, I suppose. They do stuff I didn't tell them to do. Push everything away, crush coffee cups, rip apart random objects. Medics got scared of treating me if I wasn't sedated because by Biotics would smash them aside without me doing anything. That got really annoying."

"Shit Shepard, you've got _scars..._ Any other side effects?"

Ah, what the hell, I thought. "Yeah. Just one, I think."

"And that is?"

"An annoying, sarcastic, pedantic voice in my head."

"Kidding, Skipper?"

"I wish."

"Does it have a name?"

"Not really, but I call him SIAT: Stress Induced Angsty Thoughts."

"SIAT… interesting… Wait, you said _he._"

"His voice is masculine. And I didn't want to call him it. He just feels Male."

"Julianna, is this conversation stressful for you."

"Yeah"

"So what is SIAT making of this conversation?"

"By this point he would be yelling at me to stop talking, but… he has been strangely silent since we started talking now. He was very vocal about the fact he thought I should stop talking to you earlier.

He was very annoying. He would but in during conversations, while I was planning strategies, anything. He seems to delight in making me lose my train of thought. He was my own personal daemon. And now, it seems he is gone."

"Forever?"

"I God damn Hope so."


End file.
